The Book of Regrets...Chapter One

Well ….it has been a while since I’ve posted anything on this website. I started this space and called it “My Heart Project” on my birthday in 2019. It was where I went to write to heal and grow from some things in life that were both expected and some… not so much. It was both a beautiful distraction when I could share stories of some pretty amazing women and it was my own type of personal therapy to write down my thoughts to get them out of my own head. I’ve learned that the vulnerability to put thoughts and feelings out there into words can be the slayer of those fire breathing dragons of the brain that want to turn you into ash. At times I wondered why I stopped writing all these stories, guessing that life sometimes gets busy, and we stop doing some of the things we love to do in order to keep up with it all.

So, this month was my turn to select a book for my book club. (Let me take a moment to mention the best book club...EVER! We all met when our kids were in grade school and the year that they graduated from high school we decided to start this book club because we would all miss one another. Every month I get to sit down with this group of crazy fascinating women to talk about books which always circles back to discussions that incorporate into our own lives. It is definitely one of the highlights to every month…anyway…) This month I selected the book The Midnight Library. The story is very mind provoking because it is based on the character’s lifetime of choices and regrets, which are all placed in one book called The Book of Regrets. It makes you look at how one decision in your life can change the outcome of where you are today. If you stop and think about it, there are some regrets that you can never change but there are those that you can change at any time in your life story. My lack of writing, especially here, is one of those things that I feel needs to be changed so I don’t look back on it wishing I had worked on it more.

This past year in my photography business I met some pretty incredible women. After those photo shoots, I would drive home thinking…Wow! She would have made a great story in Turquoise Women. If this space wasn’t still a part of me, I wouldn’t have thought twice about wanting to share that story. After reading this book, I decided to start digging deep back into this little heart project that I have loved so much and that has made me take notice to how inspiring so many women’s stories are to share. I can feel that excitement that I did back when I first started this project in 2019.

My life is in a very happy place today. I look at the comparison of then and now and realize I needed that space from writing in order to get here. It’s a positive nod to the universe that I can now sit back and welcome some regrets as challenges for the future to change. I don’t want to look back and know that I allowed Turquoise Women to disappear when it is still obviously very much a part of me. So here it is, back from the quiet and dark depths to a much sun shinier place, because if you could take some of those regrets and change them in a better way…why wouldn’t you? xo

Life on Hold ...and then there's rum

So the Switch was on today.

This beautiful room that I set up for taking boudoir photos became my office space for a new job I am starting next week. When society as we know it stopped in March and closed many of it’s doors due to this virus, a majority of small businesses had to go into a stand still mode. I would stop by this happy place to check on it weekly to walk inside and witness it’s sad stillness, which just about every small business owner will attest to, is as scary as the virus situation itself because these are our spaces that hold our dreams along with our livelihoods. As we kept continuing into day whatever, I had to decide to either give up my studio or to go outside of what I want to being doing in my career, for a period of time, to be able to keep this lovely location until the world figures out what we do now to open. And there are a few small things I learned from all of it…..

1. Putting life and dreams on hold sucks. A LOT!! I spent weeks dragging my feet ..and drinking my fair share of rum.. fighting the reality of the world opening back up quickly to what we all knew as being normal. The truth is we don’t know. The truth is the bills to run a business are still coming in and the work can not. I was lucky to be offered this job right now when so many people are out of work and able to fall back on an occupation that I was once a part of. (Though I swore to never do it again.) But I chose to go with the flow of it right now instead of fighting it kicking and screaming and do what needs to be done. After accepting all of the unknowns, I am beginning to see it as a new exciting part of this chapter. I am ready to see where it goes, while knowing my photography studio dreams are also still in place and will be coming back in time- hopefully better and stronger as ever when the time is right. (And YES!! I am praying it will be sooner than later!)

2. I learned that some people can shine brighter than ever when you need them. I have an amazing studio landlord that worked with me. I have amazing people that are still reaching out to me to collaborate on photos as soon as it is possible. I’ve had amazing people sharing my work on social media and calling out my business so that it can keep getting noticed. I have had amazing people standing in my corner with their support and encouraging recognition of my photography skills and their inspiring words that have helped keep me positive on my days of doubt when I saw it all fading. It has been heart warming to witness and be a part of so much love.

3. And finally, I have seen this time as a moment of reflection. I jumped into this studio without a plan. It was offered to me at a time when I really needed a speck of light to put me on a path when I had a lot of things in life going wrong. And I still see it as one of those positive things that you just know is right and you do it without thinking because you can feel it. But when it didn’t take off as fast as I wanted it to, I saw it as a personal failure even when I had a voice of reason being given to me that a successful business doesn’t just happen overnight. I didn’t want to hear it, but when we all came to this stand still I eventually took a breath. That when after feeling that I should give up, I am now feeling its right to just give in to letting the process unfold and to keep pushing on what I want. To stop hating the business part of this plan that has consumed the part I love in creating photos. My passion for the studio started with the love I have in being a part of someone’s life when I am honored by their request to photograph a chapter or an event. I don’t know I would have paused on my own to hear my heart over my head again without this opportunity to stop to remember that part.

So here I am with a Plan B. Even though I will be splitting my time working at a job I had to take on while building a career I love, I am ok with it. It really is all good. It is no longer feeling rushed and overwhelming, but at the right place and the right time on a number of different levels. Maybe the best lesson I learned during all this chaos was to both slow down my panicked brain and to do what feels right because life is still going to happen whether we choose to make it a constant race or enjoy the experience as we go from day to day.

Oh…and this plan still includes rum, because every plan should include rum. Just in a much happier way!

Hey Beautiful! Happy IWD!

Hey Beautiful!

Today has been dedicated to recognize the achievements of women and the continuing work of equality, but I would also like to bring it down to a more personal level as well reflecting on the women in our lives and our own personal relationships we have with both them and the one we have with ourselves. Let’s be perfectly honest that a number of our own female relationships make us feel judged in various aspects of our lives and take a moment to think about that. I’m sure we are all guilty of it somewhere, no matter how well meaning our intentions are intended. On this fabulous journey we are each taking to achieve in finding ourselves to be stronger, we are sometimes forgetting that our own opinions on “how-to” accomplish something may only pertain to our own growth. We are sometimes taking the tables of a situation and turning it from judging someone or something to judging something else without even realizing it. So on a day meant to unite women, think about what you can do to build a better bridge bonding your female relationships and encouraging the women in your life to be stronger in their own. What do they REALLY need from you? Don’t tell a person what to do, but encourage them to search out their own answers because that is where they will find their own strength and truth. That doesn’t mean not to share your thoughts, but to be aware to do it in a more loving way that allows you to hear what that person is in search of and not what you think the answer should be.

There is a magnificent beauty that comes with female bonding and there is a richness you gain from that closeness. Today is the day to celebrate it!! Maybe do it by asking the deeper questions and having the meaningful conversations but respect the answers even if they are not the ones you want to hear, because quite honestly they don’t need to be. Celebrate in one another’s choices in finding more meaning in life and encourage that path to continue with offering your love, because an enormous amount of strength can be found in happiness and isn’t that what you want for those you care for most? And remember, sometimes it takes a hell of a lot courage to be brave enough to change the things that will make you stronger. Make sure you have selected the women surrounding you to be the support system you need to cheer on your choices and to recognize your goals and achievements in creating a better you. Your voice matters. It matters starting from the smallest voice inside your own head encouraging you to make that first step to the loudest voice yelling out into the world and demanding to be heard. Own It! Because once you are able to honor your own words to yourself, that’s when you can really give voice to those women who have not found theirs yet and need you to show them how to gain their own power. How to find their own truth. How to own their own voice. And that’s truly the beauty of women uniting.

Happy International Women’s Day Beautiful! Go change the world!

Abandonment and Rebuilding

My soul is easily seduce by the mesmerizing siren whisper that comes from that is abandoned. The forgotten and rejected spaces that were once filled with so much life and now just hold the destruction of its architecture, yet still processing the strong bones of the beauty of its youth. I can sit in the remains and feel the comparison of its story to that of actual life.  It makes me wonder how that solid foundation of structure, both a building and in one’s heart, could so easily fall apart due to its response of neglect.  

Have you ever traced the walls of an abandoned building? Have you ever looked back to research what once stood where the destruction now stands? The beauty that came from being something new. There is always this moment in life that you can pin point where it all fell apart. A reason that stopped the love and care of something that was once so important. The same can be said for life.  A moment where you find yourself in the middle of this wreckage that effects your entire being. It may be a small set back or it might be a really catastrophic period where your internal house collapses. Where life changes. It is there that we rise from the  fall to set the goal to rebuild…or not. And sometimes that is the sad reality that destruction wins. That you stay broken and depleted as the world goes on growing up and flourishing around you. And the harsh reality is that the world is continuing to turn and it doesn't care that you give up and once you do it will slow devour you just as it does the abandoned ruins of where life once lived. That overwhelming despair doesn't care if it takes place within four standing walls or the softness of your soul. Loss is loss.

What will rebuild you? Sometimes its a small repair. The patching of a relationship. The warmth of a fire that died out. The replacement of a window to see into your soul that has cracked under the pressure of time and neglect.  But sometimes it takes the entire gutting of the frame work that once stood. Its the tearing down of walls and the replacing of the pillars that construct your life. It is creating a whole new space and a clean slate that can bring light to where the roof collapsed upon you. Rebuilding is never easy no matter how small the fracture. It is messy and time consuming, but you have to decide if your space worth fixing?

Don’t allow your internal house to fall down around you. Continue to fix it no matter how many times it is necessary. There will always be external conditions that will want to battle, but the cost of repairing the broke  components will always be worth the time that you invest.  Make your life a place you want to live and adjust it if you need to without the pressure of any time constraints. Remember how fast life can sweep you up if you contract yourself and your improvements out to another person who doesn't care how tall you stand. That is your job. You only allow those with your best interest to remain inside your walls. You need and deserve the stability of only the best people in your life to remain to help hold you up. . .But most of all, never undervalue your life. There is something intriguing about the forgotten and abandoned, but that's only because you don't know it’s secrets. Even when things keep piling on one another and it makes it feel like life is going to collapse on top of you, keep in mind that things can change tomorrow.  And everything might not be as bad as what it might seem in a specific moment. Make your plan and rebuild…even if it is again and again and again… and create a life that you value.

That Monster of Doubt

I was 21 when this photo was taken.

I had come in contact with my first modeling agent, who I had not seen in a few years, to find out she had decided to pursue her love for photography. We made arrangements for her to take some photos of me at her home to update my portfolio. I was nervous all the way there that morning due to the fact that I didn't feel “worthy” of the photos we planned to take because I was ‘too fat” to think I should be posing for her. I had  recently been told by another agent that I wanted to work with that I needed to lose 10 pounds that month to be part of a catalog that I really wanted to do, so his words played in my head making me question myself. When I arrived, she was a bit nervous as well, but really excited because she had started studying up on this new adventure. Since she was just starting her hand in photographing, she had her lights set up in her dining room, used a white sheet for the backdrop and I was laying across her black coffee table. Even though we both had our own level of insecurities, we did the photos and this is the product of two women testing their abilities to create new something together.

I still look at these photos and think what a shame it would have been had either of us stopped and listened to our inner critics. Another photo from that day hangs in my studio above my desk as a reminder to myself of a few things. First, it was the day that I realized I loved boudoir photography. I had found a photo from a magazine that I had wanted to some how recreate in our own way, so together we collaborated on this really wonderful shot. I look at that photo and see the elegant line of the female form. The softness in the posing of my hand. The way a hat covers most of my face which adds to the mystery of the whole photo making it feel more like a piece of art. That is my hope in shooting boudoir photography. To create something that has a unique feeling for every women I photograph that is more than just a photo.  Second, I look at that photo and it reminds me that I danced with my fear. My fear was that I was “not enough” that day. Ignoring the words spoken by some outside influence, that in reality was nothing more than the words of some groping man who put his hands around my thigh to tell me that at 5’6 and 115 pounds I was too fat. And finally, it reminds me of Johnny, my agent turned photographer. At this stage she really didn't have a lot of photography experience, but she had such a strong “I can f’ing do it” attitude - that she did! She created some of the most wonderful images in my portfolio, because it was her passion and so she figured it out.

The problem is fear drives so much of what we do. It is our response to that emotion that can either stop us from moving forward on the things we want or it can make us excited to create new experiences. It is hard to not take the easy way out and stay in our comfort zone where it is cozy and warm. Trust me…I find myself hanging out there with a bottle of wine on a number of occasions when my head fills with uncertainty. But do you know what? If you do stay within that space, there is so much to miss. You may never find your true passion. Or taste your best kiss from a found love. Or see the most beautiful parts of the world. Or even see yourself in a new light. And you won’t even know what you are missing because you have safely tucked yourself away for another day.

Almost every time I tell someone what I want my photography business to be about, I hear the same things…”I would love to do that but…I need to lose 5-10-15 lbs…I am too old....I don’t look good in photos..” and so on. Though really those excuses are all due to fear. Stop putting off the things you want to do because you don't think you are worthy enough. Don’t give in to that monster of doubt. It is really a fact that life is too short. I can guarantee you that you are beautiful and the main truth is that we are all our own worst critics. My goal is to prove that to every women who walks into my studio. Hell I am still nervous when it comes to being on either side of the camera, but I have the hope of living out my passion of being a voice of empowerment through the photos I take. I want to share what I and the rest of the world sees, because you are already perfect just the way you are. Quit letting your own misgivings dull your flame and see that it is time to let yourself shine. xoxo

No Resolutions for 2020

New Year’s has always been my favorite holiday.

It has been since I can remember. It is the whole out with the old and in with the new mentality. And if there was ever a year that needed to be shown to the door, it was most definitely 2019. Break out the champagne and kiss that bitch good bye. And as I do, I realized numerous lessons that it taught me by dragging me kicking and screaming through most of it. I was the girl who would have who would have New Years Eve gatherings filled with family, and laughter and wine and lots (LOTS) of glittery confetti. EVERYWHERE!! It was a celebration of what was to now come. And after everyone left, I would break out my new planner refills and pen in my upcoming goals for the new year. ( Yes, I am that kind of nerd!) And you know what? It was such bullshit! Because as I sit here alone writing this on this New Year’s Eve, lobsterless and no glittery confetti covering me (ok..I do still have an abundant amount of wine~!) the one resolution I have for 2020 would be to make no resolutions. No plans. No official goals other than to try and live an authentic life.

Here is why:

The world is not made up of rainbows and unicorns. For those that know me.. believe it or not you fucking heard it here. And though I still believe there is good in everything if you choose to believe and look for it, there is unfortunately the bad. The wrong people leave this world way too early. Not everyone you believe that will show up for you when you need them will be there. Children grow up way too fast. And the fact is life is messy! Who knew?

Though the optimist in me still holds strong. So here is what I HOPE for in 2020:

I hope to believe in myself more. And that you do too! Not to let this crazy world break what we know to be true. I know that I was once a huge force to be reckon with.. and then that part of me disappeared…but she is now emerging more and more everyday. Now in a different way. I take less for granted. I realize that not everything can be changed. I tell people that I love them more. And I know that not everyone will cheer me on and that is ok. I will no longer allow someone else’s negativity feed me, because that energy can come from so many places that I no longer have the time or energy to figure out why. Neither should you. Do you know you can kick ass? Then go freaking do it.

Next, I will love myself more. You should too! This can go hand and hand with not everyone you expect to show up for you will. Show up for yourself. Sometimes we have our own “stuff” to manage. Don’t take it personal and continue to love and be kind. I can guarantee that I didn't show up as my best this year, but it wasn't because I didn't care. I just didn't always realize my actions at the time and I hope to be better reflecting back on those moments in the year to come. Yet, don't allow people with their own agendas make you feel like you are less than what you are. Do you know you have a beautiful heart? Don’t ever hide it.

Finally, I hope to live a life in honesty as to what I truly want. We all do so many things out of obligation. Do those things make you happy? One of the hardest things is to sign off on and not show up for is what is expected of you. Life should be happy, it is too short not to be. Sometimes we live in this life that is so compliant to those we love that we avoid focusing on our own hearts and minds. There is a lot of fear in finding the truth to separating the needs of one’s self to those of others. But would you want someone in your life to not be honest with you?  Maybe it is time to be honest with yourself…. Do you have the courage to do that?  Sometimes that jump is freeing

A new year is still my favorite time. So here is to 2020 giving you a clearer vision of your own life. Pushing you to do the things that you know will make you happier. Giving you clarity on your own loves and desires. And finally giving you happiness and abundance that are within your reach once you say yes to who you truly want to be. Be loving. Be kind. But be that force of light in your own life as well as the light in those that you love. Happy New Year!! xoxo

The Power of Your Words

Over the past few summers I have been taking trips by myself to visit family and friends. During those visits, I usually take a number of days to be by myself because I found that those quiet times help me to sit with the thoughts  in my head about what is going on in my life. I like to be alone. I like to experience new places and new people along the way. Last July I was sitting in the hotel bar by myself one evening when a woman came in and sat next to me. We started chatting and before long an hour or more had passed while we shared a conversation on why we were both there alone. We discussed the details of our lives like why we were there, details of our children, where our life paths have taken us and future plans. I mentioned that I had been writing a book, but due to a sad turn of life events that I had tucked it away and stopped writing until I started this website in hopes of finding my words again. This women then told me that she knew both of my endeavors would be successful due to how eloquent I was with my words and actions. Eloquent?! It most definitely left me speechless for a number of reasons. One being that the word eloquent was such a beautiful word that I would never had associated myself to it, and yet here was this complete stranger, that I had only been speaking with for an hour or so, handing me one of the most memorable compliments I had ever received. I am not  sure how I responded, but we said our good byes most likely never to meet again.

I got back to my room and started thinking about my loss of words to this women and realized that it was hard for me to just say thank you because I can not easily accept a compliment. It pushes me back and sets me off balance when someone offers me kind words.  I truly think there are a lot of us like that, but why?  There is so much judgment forced on us, that I know for myself, that I take the critical words and I allow them to stick to me. These are the voices that I listen to that make me doubt what I am doing or who I really am.  It is hard to switch the brain from the negative to the positive and that is a really sad thing to have as a reality in life. We don't realize the power of a word or words and how strongly they can effect another human being.  Life is so rushed that we don't stop to think how one simple negative statement can make someone else feel. Our words should be about lifting others. Our words should be spent on expressing love and gratitude and trying to create some form of positive energy for the people around us, even the strangers we can meet in a hotel bar. Our words should allow people to think and feel.

This past week I was having one of those WTF days as I was sitting in my studio editing photos. Then I got this Facebook message alert. It was from someone I knew in high school. We weren't friends back then.  I don't know if we had ever even talked in high school, but she had sent me the most wonderful message filled with such kind words that it left me in tears. And it had come on a day out of the blue that I had needed it the most, to stay be inspired to stayed focused on my goals. Her words were such an incredible impact on my thoughts that day. And isn’t that something we should all try to do for others?  I remember someone once telling me that the way I offered compliments to strangers seemed fake. That I did it for the attention. So for awhile I had stopped, but then I realized that the statement that someone perceived was so untrue. I offered the words because they were in my head, so why not share the compliment with that person instead of remaining quiet because someone else can’t accept you for who you are in offering genuine kindness.

November is known as the month of giving thanks. Maybe it is time to start wearing your heart on your sleeve. Tell the people you love how incredible they are to you. Give a compliment to a stranger. The cliché that life is too short holds so many truths. Be genuinely thankful for every person who crosses your path and the impact that they make on the view of your life.  Make your moments count. Be that stranger in the hotel bar that still leave someone speechless. Realize the power of your words and use them to be the person that someone needs to hear from today. Make your words a positive force in a world full of negative. You can never give too much love, so never allow anyone to tell you anything different.

“There is nothing more truly artistic than to love people”~ Vincent VanGogh

A Letter to the strong woman who loves my son.....

A Letter to the strong woman who loves my son-

Once upon a time on a Sunday afternoon in April, the most beautiful baby boy entered this world. And his mom…that’s me!!…had no idea how much she could love another human being until she held him for hours…and hours.. and maybe days! … looking at his sweet little face thinking he was absolutely perfect. Fast forward 23 years and now the day this photo was taken. We stood together waiting for him to find us at the reception that followed after his white coat ceremony at the University of Minnesota. He enters the lobby looking as dashing as ever, and you say to me “He is absolute perfection.” You left me speechless and my heart filled for such love for both of you because I knew then you were the one other woman that I trusted my son’s heart with.

Now, I know he is not completely perfect. I have raised this child for 23 years and no one is completely perfect. He has a Type-A personality that can sometimes make him just a tad crazy. He gets “hangry”. He can be short with his answers when he gets frustrated. But you, my dear girl, handle it in a way that a mother who adores her son would hope you would. With patience. With kindness. and with so much love.  And yet while you offer him this, you never seem to lose yourself in the process. You will still stand your ground. You will still tell him your thoughts. You are strong enough in knowing  yourself that you still stay true to who you really are. And you will do your things you want to do and allow him to do his with no insecurities. That is a relationship. That is love. That is what so many people want to find in a partner.

Thank you for moving thousands of miles away from everyone you knew to be with him and making his next chapter also a part of your own. Thank you for being the person with whom you both share in trusting your thoughts and dreams. Thank you for caring about him and being by his side. Thank you for being the one person his mom would trust in replacing her to do all those things. I love how strong and independent you are as well. I love the courage and open mindedness you have on life. And thank you for just being you. You are the type of young woman that so many can only strive and hope to become. The strong, courageous, beautiful person that I am so happy to have my son’s heart! xoxo

Our bodies convey our life stories....

I’m starting my own photography business next month. I’m not new at being a photographer, I’ve been doing in for almost two decades, but the opening of an actual studio space makes it feel much more legitimate in calling myself one. That is exciting! I’ve always had that pause in the back of my mind when people would ask me about my career situation, to the point that I almost couldn’t let the words pass my lips that I was a photographer. Up until now, I’ve never charged for my work. I have a difficult time capturing a glimpse of a person’s life and then making them pay me to hand it back to them in stillness on a piece of paper. To me, it has always just been an honor to sit in on and to take part in those moments. Though recently, I have had a number of friends who pointed out in doing this that I don’t put in value in myself or my work, which is what makes me feel like an imposter when I say I am a photographer. So I figured it was time to leap, and start creating the career that I have wanted since my first lighting course in college.

                As I started planning to take on this venture, I decided that at some point I am going to start focusing on specializing where my heart is and aim my business towards the reason I fell in love with being behind the camera to begin with. During my years in modeling, I had both positive and negative experiences working with photographers. My favorite photo session was done by a woman who owned the first modeling agency in which I belonged. She had just started dabbling in the photography side of modeling when we worked together on my composite shots. I was then stepping into my twenties and wanted newer photos that would introduce a more mature side with touching on a sexier nature of me without crossing the line of being…..well sleazy.  Together we brainstormed ideas that I still look at today and love due to the focus of feminine qualities of the female form. That day was likely the moment when I realized that I would enjoy working within the industry on the side of the camera that I find myself today and wanting to shoot boudoir photography.

                Boudoir to me is exploring and expressing the power and beauty of the essence of being a female. Stepping outside of that comfort zone and being vulnerable and empowered both at the same time by facing our insecurities. I struggle on a regular basis with the insecurity of my own body image, so I know this is what drives me in wanting women to see themselves in a more positive way. I want to help women realize their beauty no matter the flaws that they see and to hopefully leave them behind once they can be shown pictures of themselves taking on the confidence to shed that self-doubt that they carry.

                Our bodies convey our life story. Maybe it’s the stretch marks from having children, the scar from an accident, or the extra pounds that come along with age. Those details shouldn’t be seen as negative qualities, but as chapters that have unfolded and that are with us as symbols that we have lived. The key is to learning to live with them with grace and acceptance which is a hard thing to do. I’m excited to capture the uniqueness of every woman that walks through my door. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Hopefully the words I give back through each photo are reminders of how incredible each of those women are in the world.

Those Damn Breaking Years

The Lessons in Those Damn Breaking Years

At times I go back through my old writing journals from 5..10..15 years ago to see what my perspective on life was as I got older and in what ways I have changed or grown. Recently, I came across a wildly written insert that started off with  WTF! Waking up 40, Frumpy and a PTA President. That first line made me laugh to the point of tears. Apparently, that was a bad day. Then the more pages I read that followed reminded me that it wasn’t just a bad day, but it was a really breaking year. It was messy and chaotic and I was using all of my time doing so many things that I really did not want to be doing, but left me feeling guilty if I chose not to do them. I was absolutely miserable while losing myself under the murky water that I felt over my head in and I realized I had given up my true self along the way of trying to please everyone that crossed my path. What followed became many incredible growth years from acknowledging that I needed to find a different way of living. Mentally, physically, spiritually- it all shifted and I found a person that I really enjoyed being.

Then last year happened. A hellish breaking year.  Right at a point when I thought I was on this track of building a solid foundation for myself and what I wanted as a plan to work on for my future, life happened. I fell into sitting in my own head with more internal demons than I could have ever thought possible. When you honestly recognize the uncertainty of your path, you can take the steps to grow from them. The problem with last year’s breaking year was that the lessons that came along with the realization of life, I did not want to accept. I did not want to play. I did not want to entertain any positive growth to come out of that situation. And that is when life gets dangerous because we simply stop caring and loving. Luckily, I was blessed to continuously have people showing up for me and to keep reminding me to rebuild. The amazing women who I have in my life who never falter in being there for me remained there. The people from my past that willingly, or unknowingly, reconnected with me and stayed to listen. The new friendships that I formed when I allowed myself to start processing the bigger picture, while they were doing the same, are still with me. The lessons learned last year were not the happy ah-ha moments of my last breaking year, but never the less remain important. I learned this time that our moments on Earth is way too short to not create a life that you fully want to be a participant in and to figure out how to do that sooner than later. Sometimes that you have to say I don’t give a fuck and hope for the best that it is what suits your best interest. I also learned that the beautiful bonds you create in that ugliness are probably the people you want to remain in your life. If they stuck around during your messiest, they will remain when you are even stronger. And finally I learned that the demons don’t stay around forever if you put in the work to release them and that comes with love. Accepting love.  Giving love.  And realizing you are worthy of love even when you are broken.

Next year I will be turning 50 and working on that next insert to go something like Waking up 50, Happy, and a Kick-ass human being.

I admit to loving hard with an intense heart..

I have learned to embrace the fact that I love hard and feel with an intense heart. My joy can feel intoxicating. My sadness can be blinding. My fight for something is passionate. And I decided to stop apologizing for being who I truly am. I use to view this force inside of me as a character flaw. A weakness that created a mess of chaos in my head that most times I refused to allow out of its cage, but in reality the madness was due to a lack of communicating my words that I needed to have heard.  I discovered it was just fear. Fear of being honest. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of being labeled “emotional”. But what is wrong with being emotional? Being truthful with emotions is what gives you depth. The purpose of life is to live it and how can you live it if you refuse to feel your way through it. And I am not just talking about the happy parts, but the sad and angry moments in life as well. The loss you feel in those negative fragments is because there was once a love there that fueled those emotions. To not wanting to feel is rejecting love and love in any form is hard to deny. The hard part is to allow yourself to accept what is happening but not to be devoured. Negative emotions can be fierce but the gift of a loving heart is that it gives you the power to keep fighting to eventually find where your happiness is again.

Allow yourself to be touched by life with loving hard and feeling deeply. You never know what you might discover about yourself once you accept giving who you are honestly and being your true authentic self without any reservations placed on your heart.

Happy Birthday

Today is my 49th birthday. There are 30 years between this 19 year old in the first photo and me today. That 19 year old was posing for a catalog in New York City in 1989. I hate to admit it, but she also hated so much of herself. She was too fat. Too short. Her eyes were too big. Boobs too small. On and on self hating until the day my first son was born and then the next one. And then that self hating all changed because that’s the funny thing that happens when you have those people in your life who love more than yourself because they help you to see what you are differently. To see that it was all superficial stuff. The horrible self doubt I placed on myself that took over my entire existence until I discovered the real things that were more important to me.

My friend Tracey took the more recent photo of me when I decided I wanted to put this website to life. If I said that I don’t still have days of self doubt or if I said I can easily receive a compliment I would be lying. But I’m not what I was when I was 19…and honestly Thank God. It are the parts of me on the inside that have grown to make me a better person. My lesson in those feelings of self doubt are what inspired me to photograph women and share their stories through their pictures and their words. For everyone to see, including them, how incredibly beautiful they truly are.

Our worthiness is not defined by the size of our body or the job title we hold or how many trips we have taken around the sun. Don’t allow your inner critic to listen to the negative thoughts in your own head or the false beliefs tossed at you by imaginary social standards. Show up to the things that make you better and the people you love. Be kind. Be generous with your time. Be a good human being. And most of all do it not just for other people, but also for yourself.